The Judgement of Paris by Lucas Cranach the ElderWe are often told to keep emotion out of our decision-making, and decide on entirely rational grounds. Of course, when emotions such as anger are too strong, they affect our ability to think rationally.

But outside of these extreme circumstances, emotions are not the enemy of reason. In fact, it is impossible to make meaningful decisions without emotion, since emotion is what supplies the meaning. All decisions, even business decisions, are ultimately emotional.

In his book Descartes' Error, the neurologist Antonio Damasio tells of a successful corporate lawyer who underwent brain surgery to remove a tumour. The surgery had the unfortunate side-effect severing the links between the amygdala (part of the limbic system or 'emotional brain') and the neocortex, the part of the brain responsible for thinking. Although his intellectual abilities were unimpaired, the lawyer could not hold down a job, his wife left him, and he squandered his savings on foolish investments.

His thinking had become computerlike. Detached from emotion, all options had equal value so he could not choose between them. Even something as mundane as making a doctor's appointment was beyond him, because he could find reasons for and against the date and time of any available appointment.

It is our emotions that tell us which option is preferable. It is also emotion which tells us when it is time to stop comparing the features, costs and benefits of different options and decide between them.

Finally, our emotions can alert us to factors that our conscious, rational awareness has missed, but which are nonetheless important. 'Gut feelings' or 'intuition' can alert us when something is not quite right about a person, a situation or a business deal, even when they look good on paper. Security consultant Gavin de Becker, in his splendid book The Gift of Fear, gives many examples where these gut feelings literally saved the person's life.

This is not the same as saying that you should always follow your gut instinct. Rather, your decisions should both make sense rationally and feel right. If either your feelings or your intellect are flagging up doubts about a choice, you need to give it some more attention before you finally decide.

If you are based in the Middle East and interested in decision making, I am running the Grooming Leaders in Decision Making course for VMAC Group on 18-19 January 2010!



There are many definitions of coaching around, reflecting the fact that it's a big subject and there are many different coaching philosophies. Coaching is also something that is continuing to evolve as new approaches and innovations are tried out. The new idea which will have the biggest impact, in my view and based on the experience of the growing number of managers and professional coaches who are using it in practice, is the Appreciative and Solution-Focused approach.

So here's the best definition of coaching I've been able to arrive at so far:

"Coaching is the process of helping people to focus their attention on possibilities and solutions, and to establish procedures to make the solutions happen."

Let's break that down a little. Coaching is a process - not a thing. It's a process that happens between people. Coaching has no existence independent of the people doing it.

This may seem obvious when you think about it - but the point is that the English language, at least, encourages us to talk metaphorically about processes and activities as if they were objects, or even people - nouns rather than verbs. As in "My coaching is going really well at the moment" - as if coaching is a machine like a car; or  "I'm not sure how to deal with this issue in coaching" - as if coaching is something you can be inside, like a room or a container; or "I wonder how coaching could address this" as if coaching is a person, squaring up to a problem.

So when we're not consciously thinking about it, the way our language encourages us to talk about activities like coaching can make us forget that it's not a thing, it's an activity, that people engage in. And by the way, if they don't engage with the activity, no coaching is going to happen.

"Coaching is the process of helping people" - I could have said helping "a person" or "an individual" but you can also coach a group of people. In fact some of the most creative and magical moments in coaching can happen when a team becomes more than the sum of its parts.

"Helping people to focus their attention on possibilities and solutions" - the heart of coaching really is about focusing attention. We want to focus people's attention on possibilities and solutions rather than problems, because that's where they will find the answers they are looking for. And we emphasise possibilities and solutions (plural) to get away from the idea that there's just one possible solution out there, and that you have to find exactly the right one or it won't work. For every answer you find, there will be hundreds of other potential solutions that you haven't thought of.

Finally, it's not enough to identify solutions - you need to do things to make them happen. This is where "establishing procedures to make the solutions happen" comes in. It's about finding effective ways to get to the solution. Some specialist areas of coaching - some types of time management, for example, or traditional sports coaching - are all about giving people tried and tested methods to follow.

It's worth bringing in another distinction here, between directive and non-directive coaching. Directive coaching is essentially the coach saying "this is how you do it". In that sense it's like training. The coach needs to be an expert in the technical area they are coaching you on. There are some drawbacks to the directive method: if the procedures they are telling you to follow don't suit you, or if they go against your values so they just don't feel right, you're going to have a hard time putting the coach's advice into practice.

More subtly, being told how to do something tends to induce passivity in the learner. It can inhibit you coming up with your own ideas, possibilities and solutions, and make you worry about trying things out in case you do them "wrong".

As soon as you start to learn something about an activity, you start to grow your own expertise about which ways of improving your performance are going to work for you. To help learners come up with their own ideas, possibilities and solutions, what's called "non-directive coaching" - asking the right questions rather than handing out answers - is the most productive approach.

Non-directive coaching also helps learners to develop their creativity, problem-solving and evaluative abilities, over and above finding answers to the specific problems they are trying to solve. The solutions that people come up with themselves will be more likely to suit their personality and temperament, and they will be more motivated to put them into practice because they own those solutions. And each time you flex those creative, problem-solving muscles, you increase your capability to deal with the next challenge.

 I'm sure you'll have some thoughts on this as well - why not add your favoured definition of coaching or comment on anything else in the piece below?

If you would like to get a deeper understanding and practical experience of an Appreciative approach to group facilitation and one-to-one coaching, book yourself onto the two-day Practical Appreciative Inquiry facilitator training - in London on 17-18 February, or Manchester on 15-16 March 2010.

At our most recent meeting of the Manchester Business NLP and Emotional Intelligence Group we were lucky enough to have Jenny Flintoft of Rock Solutions as our guest presenter. I have been aware of Jenny as an intelligent and effective thought leader in personal development since I came across her P.O.W.E.R. acronym for goal setting (you have to admit it sounds a bit more energising than 'SMART' or 'POSIE'), and as a decent human being since she let me use the acronym in the goal setting segments of my NLP Diploma and Create The Life You Want courses.

So I was expecting quite a lot, and got even more! Jenny is an inspiring and high-energy speaker who engages the audience and comes across as warm, funny and approachable. I came out of the meeting feeling determined to raise my own game as a speaker, trainer and coach. She's one of the best speakers I've seen in 13 years of running NLP groups, and we have already invited her back for next year.

My final information sites for today at hubpages.com are these:

Choose Your Beliefs Carefully - they affect your stress levels

Three reasons why most New Year's resolutions fail - and what to do about it

My eyes are now the shape of an iMac screen, and feel about the same size...

More information sites I've created today at hubpages.com:

What is Hypnotherapy? A Quick Guide

What is the Trance State?

Script for a Do-It-Yourself Self-Hypnosis Audio

I hope you find them interesting and useful!

Be careful what you wish for. To make sure your goals don't bring unwanted consequences with them, think through what effect they will have on other areas of your life. Do you really want a Ferrari if you would be constantly stressing out about jealous people keying it? Make sure your goals also leave room for the other important things in your life.

Most of the time we are pretty much on autopilot. To get round this, arrange things so it's easier to do the right thing even when you're not thinking about it. If you want to get into going for a run every morning, keep your running gear by the bed so it's the first thing you see when you wake up.

To feel more motivated, focus on the end result rather than the slog of getting there. That way you won't put yourself off. The more vivid and compelling you make the image of your goal, the more motivating it will be. Ask yourself: what will I see when I achieve my goal? What will I hear? And how will it feel?

You'll feel more alive if you spend your money on experiences rather than stuff. Psychologist Ryan Howells at San Francisco State University has found that 'experiential purchases' like holidays or meals out give you longer-lasting happiness than spending on material possessions. "We don't tend to get bored of happy memories like we do with a material object." says Howell.

Work out what's important to you to keep your life on track. For each major area of your life (e.g. Work/career, Relationship, Finances, Health and Fitness), ask yourself "What's important about this area?" and keep going until you have a checklist of what motivates you. Use it to evaluate new opportunities - do you want that job? Is this the right relationship long-term?

Beware of too much positive thinking. Focusing on what you want is great, but ignoring potential downsides will lead to trouble eventually. Most people didn't see the credit crunch coming - certainly not the banks or the government. So every so often, do a 'minesweep' of your plans. Ask yourself "What could go wrong? How can I minimise that risk?"

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Do you deserve to take a couple of days just for yourself to clarify what's important to you and learn the secrets of effective goal-setting? Book your place on the acclaimed Create The Life You Want workshop in Manchester or Leeds.

Sometimes you need to relax when you're out and about and it's not convenient to take twenty minutes to lie down and relax totally: maybe on your way to a crucial appointment, in an interview, giving a presentation, or any other situation normally regarded as highly stressful. Here are five ways to relax that my clients have found work for them, and that you can use to relax anywhere.

1. Peripheral vision

One of the most effective ways to relax is the use of peripheral vision, or 'soft eyes' as it is called in Aikido. Essentially you let go of the narrow, detail focus that we use so much of the time - when reading, writing, working on a computer, watching TV, and even often when we talk to people - and instead, allow your field of vision to soften and broaden to become aware of the whole of what you can see, to either side of you as well as whatever you are looking directly at.

The effect of using peripheral vision is to become more relaxed (it seems to directly activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms and slows you down) both in mind and body. So at the same time as your eyes and muscles generally relax, and your breathing calms and slows, your mind also become calmer and more aware of your surroundings.

For most people, internal dialogue also tends to reduce, so you become much more 'in the moment'. It's a great state for taking in new information, for being relaxed yet alert, and for dispelling nerves when speaking in public, in confrontations, or in tense situations like job interviews.

It's a simple technique and quick to learn. I have written a couple of more 'how to' articles - using peripheral vision to relax and a guide to using peripheral vision for therapists (with annotated transcript!)

2. Focus on your breathing

Just close your eyes and focus on your breathing. And you don't have to change your breathing in any way at all…although you may find that after a while your breathing shifts by itself. And any time you find your attention wandering, just return it to focus on your breathing. If you have any tension in any part of your body, let go of the tension by imagining you are breathing into that part.

Because breathing is normally unconscious, but you can control it consciously, changing your breathing, or just becoming aware of it, is an easy way to change your physiological state.

3. Centering

Where you put your attention in your body has a big effect on how you feel, and even on how strong you are. This is recognised in the ancient traditions of yoga and the martial arts.

Just pay attention to a point which is a few inches below your navel, and half way between the front of you and the back of you - in the centre of your body. At the same time look straight ahead and go into peripheral vision. Let your body relax, and make sure your knees aren't locked. You can maintain this focus on your central point all the time, whatever you are doing. If you're really focused on this point, your body can't feel anxiety, so it's useful for confrontations and pressure situations.

4. Project an 'energy bubble'

Imagine that you have a bubble of energy projecting out from your central point and surrounding you like a sort of science fiction force-field. Everything stressful that happens outside this bubble just bounces off and away from you, leaving you calm and still inside the bubble. So the more stressful it is outside, the calmer you are inside…

Now I'm not suggesting that there really is a bubble of energy around you, but your unconscious mind doesn't distinguish between imagination and "reality". So if you imagine that you are shielded from stress, you will be! This is another good one for pressure situations, but you don't just have to use it as a shield. When you give a presentation, extend your energy bubble all the way out to the back and side walls of the room, and then pull it in slightly to embrace and include your whole audience. They will notice the difference!

5. Float up above yourself

Sometimes in emotionally fraught situations it can be a good idea to detach yourself so that you can calm down and get things in perspective. A good way to do this is to float up above the situation. Try it now.

Imagine that you are floating out of your body, higher and higher, and looking down at yourself. Float up until you reach a height at which you are completely comfortable. You'll notice that the higher up you float, the more detached you feel.

You can do this with memories or with imagined future situations as well. If the memory involves other people, float up above the memory of yourself as you interact with them. Observe the scene as a whole system - notice how they react to what you do and say, and how you react to what they do and say. What do you learn from this new perspective?

With a bit of practice you'll be able to do this in a situation as it happens.

You may find that one or more of these techniques works better for you - it's good to have a choice. On the Create The Life You Want workshops coming up in Manchester and Leeds I will guide you through peripheral vision, centring and floating up above yourself. Learning how to use these methods to relax would probably be worth the price of admission - and that's just the start! Find out more about the workshop here.

Download a soothing relaxation audio now (or order the CD version)

How often do you take some time, just for you, to relax deeply?

21 minutes of soothing ambient music, as Andy talks you through relaxing each part of your body and gives you some empowering suggestions...

Listen to a sample clip in mp3 format - 1 minute long

A closed question is one that expects a yes or no answer. Closed questions tend to shut down the conversation, and direct it in the directions implied by the question. Examples:

1. Have you thought of taking more breaks?

2. Have you spoken to him about it?

3. Are you going to put up with it, or say something?

4. Is it a large team?

5. Are you ready?

Often closed questions are a way for the coach to give advice while fooling themselves that they are not, as in examples one and two above. Note how the questions exclude the possibility of doing anything else.

Question three is a more subtle example - two apparent choices are given, but the question presupposes there are only two choices available.

Question four is more subtle still, and therefore a more dangerous temptation for the coach because it is harder to spot yourself doing it. On the surface it is gathering information - but it's only gathering information that the coach expects to find. There may be other relevant resources here that this question will miss.

If you believe in non-directive coaching, the learner is the expert. You are not there to solve their problems for them. Yet question four suggests that the coach already has a solution in mind, and is checking to see that their solution fits. This takes up valuable time that the client could be using to find their own solutions. If coaching is about the learner finding their own solutions, how much background information and 'understanding' does the coach need to gather anyway?

More useful questions would be:  

• "What could you do?"

• "How have you solved similar problems in the past?"

• "What do you want to do?"

• "What will it be like when you have moved beyond this?"

Note how these are all open questions, allowing the learner to explore their own options and generate their own solutions.

Question five could be a useful question, even though it is closed. You might use it when the very next step implied by the conversation is that the learner takes action, and you think you know what the answer will be - either looking for a congruent "Yes" when the learner is ready, or something along the lines of "Actually, not quite" if you think there is something else that the learner needs to take into account.

In general, though, you will be a much more effective coach if you use open rather than closed questions.

What comments do you have?

Robert Cialdini, professor of psychology at Arizona State University, is the world's leading authority on the psychology of influence and persuasion. His studies, summarised in the great book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, identify six principles of persuasion - essentially, six 'buttons' that, left to itself, the human brain responds to automatically.

I should point out here that Cialdini's purpose in studying the psychology of influence is not to make people better at manipulating others for evil purposes; indeed, in the book he says that the reason he went into this area in the first place was because he was the sucker who always fell for salesman's tricks, marketing scams, and the ploys of charities out to solicit donations.

Let's start with the Scarcity principle. In a nutshell, this means that we equate scarcity with value, and the less we can have something, the more we tend to want it.

If you've ever been ready to pay for something in a shop, and the assistant interrupts the sale to answer a telephone enquiry, you may have wondered what was going on. Why would the assistant risk losing a guaranteed sale to answer what might be just a speculative enquiry? Who is more deserving of the assistant's attention - you, who is standing right in front of the assistant, or this telephone enquirer who can't be bothered to come down to the shop?

All is explained by the scarcity principle. Without even thinking about it, the assistant will ignore you and answer the phone, on the assumption that if they don't, they may never get another chance to sell something to that caller.

The same principle operates if you've ever been to a seminar or taster event where you are offered a speciall discount that is only valid if you sign up for the next event that very day. Or in an 'open house' organised by real estate agents, where they get all the prospective buyers of a house round to view it at once.

I tried out this principle recently with the excellent 'NLP Skills Builder' DVD sets by Jonathan Altfeld that I sell in my online store. These are well worth having, but they normally sell quite slowly. They have a reasonably substantial £79 price tag, and I wondered if people who wanted them were tending to put off the actual purchase until some future day when they might feel richer (in practice, that future day never actually arrives, as many people will always find something more pressing, if less important, than developing their skills).

So I decided to employ the scarcity principle by offering a £20 discount coupon. I could have limited its validity to a deadline date, but everyone does that - instead, I went for a limited quantity of only five coupons. First come, first served.

I also cranked up the scarcity a bit more, by telling my customers about them in stages. The first people to know were the graduates of my courses - naturally these are the people I want to reward the most. A couple of days later I told the people who had demonstrated some commitment by taking out annual membership of the Manchester Business NLP and Emotional Intelligence Group, then the rest of the mailing list for the group and my Twitter followers, and finally my overall 4,000 strong mailing list.

How diid this ramp up the scarcity? For each group that I told, I made sure they knew that I would soon be making the coupons available to larger numbers of people - so there would be quite a lot of competition for those five coupons! I wanted to nudge people who were tempted to buy the DVD sets anyway into buying now, rather than leaving the decision for another day.

It worked too! The coupon-driven sales brought in £649 of DVD sales in a week - plus a few other products that people added to their baskets while they were 'in' the online store. Previously I'd sold one set the whole year.

I should add that all the coupons for this offer have gone now. I will be doing more in future for other products - to make sure you know about them in time, subscribe to my newsletter.

Cialdini and his team have produced another book more recently - Yes! 50 Secrets from the Science of Persuasion - which is a set of case studies of how the principles can be used. They also produce a good monthly newsletter.